Tag Archives: children

Thanksgiving Gratitude

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If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, “thank you,” that would suffice. – Meister Eckhart

On this weekend before Thanksgiving, I’m giving a lot of thought to the concept of gratitude and thinking of all the things that I am truly grateful for. And I’m thinking of the ways we can convey this concept to young children, who are by nature egocentric beings. It is our role to help kids cultivate and experience feelings of thanks and gratitude, which are so important in allowing them to feel empathy and concern for the well-being of others. So how do we do this?

First and foremost: By modelling and expressing our own open-hearted thanks, not just on one day of the year, but every day. Create a daily ritual where we name something that we are thankful for. Dinner is an amazing opportunity to do this and it can give way to some rich table time conversations. Bedtime is another opportunity, leaving children to drift off to sleep with thoughts of blessings and grace. It’s ok if they name material things that they are grateful for. You can model your sense of thanks for things like generosity, kindness, patience, etc. Kids will pick up on this and eventually express it themselves.

Let children know all the ways you feel grateful throughout the day. “I am so lucky to have such helpful kids.” “I’m really grateful to our neighbor for feeding the kitty while we were gone this weekend.”

Thank your kids for the ways they help out…and be specific. “Thank you for putting your shoes in your room the first time mommy asked you to. It was really helpful and felt good to have to ask only once.” And remind them to thank each other. “Did you say thank you to Henry for sharing his blocks with you? That was really kind of him.”

Demonstrate the spirit of helping others. You can keep it simple…Take the trash out or shovel snow for an elderly neighbor. Or take it to the next level…Have them pick out old toys, clothes or books to donate to a shelter or organization. Participate in a food drive. Volunteer as a family baking cookies or a meal for children who are hospitalized. And use these deeds as opportunities to talk about all that we are fortunate to have–from food and a warm home to our precious bodies.

The thing to remember is that young children are egocentric beings–they see and experience the world through their own eyes. And gratitude is not a trait that comes naturally to them–it is learned through positive experiences and reinforcement. So give gentle reminders and lots of reinforcement, but be patient. Children don’t genuinely integrate ways of being when they are forced. Cultivating an authentic sense of gratitude takes time but will have tremendous rewards for both you and your children.

Happy Thanksgiving and many blessings.

Some Tricks for Your Treats

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As much as I love Halloween, as someone who works with kids, I’ve been worried about this day. And so have many parents of the children I work with. It’s a day so full of excitement, anticipation, creativity and joy… and then it’s over. And there you are with a sugar high kiddo, bouncing off the walls, and a bag (pillowcase, plastic pumpkin, whatever) full of a 6-year old’s version of crack. So I decided to do some research and post some ideas on what to do with all that candy that you wish you could simply make disappear (much to the dismay of your superhero, fairy princess or your little ladybug).

So here are some alternatives to eating all that candy that will still leave you with happy little goblins:

Cash 4 Candy– Dentists around the country are putting together programs where they actually buy back kids’ Halloween candy, thereby sending it to troops in the Middle East. If you are in Boulder, you can check out http://www.bouldercountysmiles.com/specials/cash-4-candy/

Donate it to the hungry– Brainstorm with your kids who may need food and sustenance even more than they do. Then, drop it off at a food bank or put it in little bags to give to those in need who are asking for handouts. I know it’s not getting the candy fully off the streets–but it does get it out of your house and satisfies a hungry belly that might not get a lot of sweetness.

Prepare for Gingerbread House season– Put aside a stash of candy corn, red hots, gummy bears, and kisses to use in your gingerbread house projects for the holidays. Or better yet- make a practice gingerbread house now and use up double the candy!

*Candy wrapper art– This is my personal favorite. Convince your kiddos to ditch the candy so that you can use the wrappers to do all sorts of cool art projects. These are fun activities to do as a family and will give them far more lasting results than the crash and burn of a Butterfinger. A collage, doll dresses, book covers are just a few possibilities. For some fun ideas check out this link on Martha Stewart: http://www.marthastewart.com/search/apachesolr_search/candy%20wrapper

Bake and send it to the office– There are endless recipes for candy baked goods online. Whip up some treats, save a couple for yourselves, then send a batch to the office with daddy or mommy. Everyone’s happy!

My Child is Driving Me Crazy!!!

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You know those times when your child does something—something s/he does on a regular basis—that drives you absolutely batty? You’re frustrated and angry for reasons that you yourself can’t even understand. You want to yell, throw something, run away, shut down. Maybe you actually do one or all of these things. You react in ways that you later question or regret, but in the moment you were overwhelmed by the need to let your child know how out of line s/he was? Want to know what’s really going on and how you can stop it from happening? Read on…

If you have found yourself acting or reacting in ways described in the first paragraph, you were probably acting from a place of fear, triggered by an unresolved issue from your own childhood. Most likely as a child you had an experience that left you feeling extremely overwhelmed, helpless, sad, terrified. Now that you are an adult, having never fully resolved the terror or grief you experienced as a child, seemingly unrelated experiences can unexpectedly re-elicit those feelings within you. As an unconscious process, we usually don’t realize that this is what is going on, thus projecting the feelings (through blame) on outside sources. Being triggered in this way takes away our ability to act rationally and calmly. It keeps us from being present in our relationships, causing us to act according to old patterns and wounds (typically unrelated to anything our child has done in the moment).

Fortunately, there is a way out. We can learn to heal ourselves in order to repair the relationship with our children in those moments. It starts with understanding and empathy towards ourselves. In his book, Parenting from the Inside Out, Daniel Siegel says, “If we pay attention to our own internal experiences when we are feeling upset by our children’s behavior we can begin to learn how our actions interfere with the loving relationship we want to have with our children. With resolution of our own issues comes greater choice and flexibility in how we respond to our children.” (Siegel, 28)

Try the following exercise and see what comes up for you. You may be surprised to realize that what is driving your reactions isn’t really related to your child’s behavior.

Take out a journal and start to reflect on an issue that is impairing your ability to connect flexibly with your child. Focus on the past, present and future aspects of this issue. Do the themes or general patterns come to mind from past interactions? Do the themes or patterns feel old? How old do they feel? What are the feelings associated with these experiences? Are there other times when you have experienced these feelings? Are there elements of your past that may contribute to them? How do these themes and emotions influence your sense of self and your connections with your child? How do they shape your anticipation of the future? (Adapted from Daniel Siegel, Parenting from the Inside Out)

Children are our greatest teachers, bringing us in touch with the deepest parts of ourselves. Through our relationships with children, we get to know our own inner child. If we are open to this experience, there is space for great healing and growth, fostering more close and connected relationships.

Remember that with awareness, acceptance, self-empathy, self-care, and doing your own “work”, you can heal your unresolved issues and develop a connection with your child that allows you to be present and authentic, responding from a place of openness and compassion towards your child and towards yourself.