Tag Archives: regulation

Treating the Terrible Twos (and Threes)

by

Your sweet little bundle of joy has accomplished many milestones. He’s walking, feeding himself, being a helper, even talking a bit–more and more every day. But, oh boy, does he have his moments. Those inconsolable, uncontrollable, loud, intense, overwhelming tantrums. That state of utter confusion when she wants to do it all herself and is falling apart under the frustration that comes along with that. The morning gone from blissfully wonderful to a total nightmare and you don’t even know what the problem is. You ask yourself: Why is all this happening and What can I do to help make this easier?tantruming-toddler-getting-scolded-md

Bad news first? The terrible twos (sometimes it’s the terrible threes) are a stage of development that many children go through and that we can’t take them out of. It’s their natural way of expressing themselves at a time in life where they experience great frustration and don’t have a lot of tools to deal with it. We may just have to accept that this is where they are at and do our best to support them through it. The good news is that this time provides ample opportunity for teaching children emotional language, self-regulation, social skills and more. They may not implement these new skills right away, but the long term effects will be apparent.

Here is some important information about toddlers and some strategies for supporting their healthy emotional development.

  • Toddlers are in a transitional stage of development: a part of them still wants to be a baby (closeness, difficulty separating) and a part of them wants to be a big kid (independence, I can do it myself). Meet them where they are at with this. Understand that there’s a part of them that still needs to be young and attached to you. And respect their need for independence. It’s a balancing act, but it helps your tot develop a healthy sense of self.
  • Toddlers need help expressing their emotions. Give them words and tools to express the entire range of feelings. Have a feelings chart up on the fridge at eye level for your little one. Model healthy expression of feelings and name the feeling for them when they are expressing emotions.
  • Give children tools for expressing themselves. Model emotional language. Teach them feelings words. Guess their feeling experience and speak it to them. “I hear you’re upset right now.” Or. “I get it. You’re really sad that you have to wear a coat to the park.” The terms “big feelings” or “upset” are good catch-alls.
  • Young children are quick to tantrum because their brains are not yet “wired” to respond with calm and logic. They need your help to calm themselves. Toddlers’ brains are undergoing huge amounts of development. Model self-regulation techniques like taking deep breaths, counting to ten, becoming aware of what’s in your environment… whatever works for you to get calm and in your body again.
  • Toddler’s tantrums are not rational because their brain’s frontal lobe is not developed. What seems irrational to us may feel incredibly important to your child. Validate this and never discount their feelings. It’s ok to set limits on behavior, but always start by validating the feelings that are driving the behavior. “It’s ok to feel mad. But it’s not ok to hit Tommy. Let’s find another way to show your feelings.”
  • Toddler tantrums very often stem from the frustration of feeling stuck, unable to express one’s needs and have them met accordingly. Empathize with this frustration to help your child feel understood.
  • It is impossible to help someone regulate if you are dys-regulated yourself. Use the oxygen mask philosophy and make sure that you are regulated (5 deep breaths) before trying to help your child regulate.images-1
  • Give children a consistent space where they can go to calm themselves down. They may need your comfort so go with them, take deep breaths or just “stay with” (be emotionally present with your child) until he/she is calm.
  • Stay consistent with your limits but validate the emotion: “I get it. You feels so sad that you can’t eat a cookie right now. And we have to wait until after dinner.”
  • Spend one-on-one quality time engaging and playing with your child. At least 10-20 minutes per day in which phones are off, no other tasks are being performed. This is just about connecting and playing with your child.
  • Use “I” statements: “I feel…”
  • Talk to your child respectfully.
  • Your child will not listen to you unless he/she feels listened to.                                                                 
  • When you change the way you look at your child, you see change in your child.

 

Try this approach to parenting your toddler and you are sure to see a shift in his behavior, the frequency and duration of tantrums and, in the long-term, in her ability to express her emotions and self-soothe. Respect, understanding and empathy are key components of communication at any age–toddlers need these with consistency and repetition for healthy brain development.

The Subject Tonight Is Love

by

I often hear parents telling their “misbehaving” children to “play nice”. In fact, I imagine that most of us reading have, at some point, been told to “play nice”. We humans are inherently nice–to love and be loved is literally in our DNA. It is the essence of who we are. And, if allowed, this yummy, amazing, nourishing love fills every cell in our body and trickles out of every pore. What happens, though, is that we are born into society. And from the moment that we are born we are exposed to messages that we are not ok: we need to be quieter, bigger, smaller, faster, smarter, thinner, richer, more giving, less whiny, etc etc etc. We communicate this message that others are not ok because we do not feel ok in ourselves. Why would we do this to our fellow humans? Well, quite simply, because someone did it to us. So we forget this essence…we forget that we are born of love, made of love and have the potential to give and receive love fluidly and openly. That we are “nice” at our very core and that if we could be seen for our greatness and for our loving nature, it would really just pour out of us.
So the next time you feel the inclination to tell a child to “play nice”, why not try something a little different. Because telling a misbehaving child to play nicely immediately shames and blames him. It misses the message his behavior may be communicating and it lets him know that he is not ok. So this time around stop trying to control him and asking him to change his behavior (which actually has a very useful function). Why not get down on your knees, spend a bit of time with him and let him know that you think he is great. That you think he is amazing and that he has so much love to give and that you would love to see him feel safe enough to share that love. Then take the time to help him feel safe, secure and loved. I guarantee you he will want to play nice with you.

And I’ll leave you with a poem by the amazing Hafiz…

The subject tonight is Love
And for tomorrow night as well,
As a matter of fact
I know of no better topic
For us to discuss
Until we all
Die

Some Tricks for Your Treats

by

As much as I love Halloween, as someone who works with kids, I’ve been worried about this day. And so have many parents of the children I work with. It’s a day so full of excitement, anticipation, creativity and joy… and then it’s over. And there you are with a sugar high kiddo, bouncing off the walls, and a bag (pillowcase, plastic pumpkin, whatever) full of a 6-year old’s version of crack. So I decided to do some research and post some ideas on what to do with all that candy that you wish you could simply make disappear (much to the dismay of your superhero, fairy princess or your little ladybug).

So here are some alternatives to eating all that candy that will still leave you with happy little goblins:

Cash 4 Candy– Dentists around the country are putting together programs where they actually buy back kids’ Halloween candy, thereby sending it to troops in the Middle East. If you are in Boulder, you can check out http://www.bouldercountysmiles.com/specials/cash-4-candy/

Donate it to the hungry– Brainstorm with your kids who may need food and sustenance even more than they do. Then, drop it off at a food bank or put it in little bags to give to those in need who are asking for handouts. I know it’s not getting the candy fully off the streets–but it does get it out of your house and satisfies a hungry belly that might not get a lot of sweetness.

Prepare for Gingerbread House season– Put aside a stash of candy corn, red hots, gummy bears, and kisses to use in your gingerbread house projects for the holidays. Or better yet- make a practice gingerbread house now and use up double the candy!

*Candy wrapper art– This is my personal favorite. Convince your kiddos to ditch the candy so that you can use the wrappers to do all sorts of cool art projects. These are fun activities to do as a family and will give them far more lasting results than the crash and burn of a Butterfinger. A collage, doll dresses, book covers are just a few possibilities. For some fun ideas check out this link on Martha Stewart: http://www.marthastewart.com/search/apachesolr_search/candy%20wrapper

Bake and send it to the office– There are endless recipes for candy baked goods online. Whip up some treats, save a couple for yourselves, then send a batch to the office with daddy or mommy. Everyone’s happy!